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She has been sitting there for hours now..
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Yes I know. Go try to convince her to come in. She'll freeze herself out there...
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Sure thing, Dad.
"This circus is falling down on its knees. The big top is crumbling down. It's raining in Baltimore, fifty miles east. Where you should be but no one's around..."
It is amazing how life keeps throwing you the ball and you either catch it or... Well, don't. And when you don't catch the ball, your whole world starts to crumble.
My world is crushed. A month ago I watched it shatter into pieces. So many little pieces it seems impossible to put them back together again.
Too much has been happening lately. Too much for me to keep my head clear and thoughts straight. Moving to a new town, which apparently is a heck of a smaller than where we used to live. Not that I enjoy nightlive particularly, but all my friends I had to leave behind, all the familiar places and school. Not to mention applying to University. Big plans. Big changes. Big chances.
Why did we move? Mom... and Dad wanted a more peaceful place to live.They would have wanted to raise us kids in a quiet and tranquil place,away from the noisy and dusty streets, speedy cars, drug dealers and whatever parents usually are concerned about. Well, I spent my childhood in those surroundings and what did I become? Did I turn out very bad? I don't think so... But Dad says it's because I am a girl.That we aren't that open for such influences. Right... Anyway. We are here now. Dad wanted to build Mom a beach house, a house by the lake which she always wanted.
We had just got everything in order.. Furniture had finally found their places, twins and I went to school, Dad started working and Mom stayed home as she was pregnant. Everything was perfect. So perfect until...
- Saran! Saran!
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Saran! Saran! Daddy says you should get inside! You'll freeze yourself!
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Oh Kieran. I'm not freezing myself. Besides, I'm 17 years old. I think I can look after myself.
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Oh.. Ok..
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Kieran.. I'm sorry.. I have too much on my mind. Please don't walk away from me.
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Listen sis'. You have to come in.
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Kieran... Oh, don't give me that puppy look... Eeeh, alright then. I'm coming.
I wonder why we are still living in this house. Why did we stay here? With all these memories. All the laughs and tears. They echo from these walls.
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Hey Dad. What you're up to?
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'ey dear. I'm making you a sandwich. You haven't eaten properly in weeks.
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Thanks, but I'm not hungry. And what you mean I haven't eaten? I just ate a salad yesterday.
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A salad. Aha. That's it, take this and eat. I am not going to watch you wither away like... like...
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Like mother. I know. Give me that plate then.
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Saran? Pumpkin? I... I'm going to talk straight now. I am worried about you.
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Dad, don't...
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Shh. Listen to me. I am worried about you. You don't eat. You don't sleep. You basically just sit on your butt in the sand all day long staring out to nowhere. It freaks me out! What's happening to my little girl?
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Now you listen to me for a change! First of all, I am 17 years old. I am not that little girl with a pink flowery dress and a ponytail tied with a bow anymore. And second, I would eat if I could swallow something without getting sick. And would sleep if I wanted to. You want to know why I don't want to sleep? Because I have nightmares. Every freakin night the same dream where I watch my mother walk in to that lake and never getting back again. I see her walking.. I see her drowning... Over and over again. She is walking backwards further in the lake, she is facing me. She is looking at me straight in the eyes as she walks deeper and deeper. And I can't do anything! My feet are stuck in the ground. I can't reach my hand, I can't even scream..I.. I... just stand there watching...
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Oh Saran..
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Nevermind... Just... Leave me alone...
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Saran, wait... Let's talk about this!
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Talk to Ronan and Kieran. They need you more than I do.
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Kieran? Why is Saran so mad at Daddy?
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I don't know, Ronan. I think she thinks we don't understand her.
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Saran, honey! Don't walk away like this! We need you with us. Stay with us. I know you are hurting but you are not the only one! We are hurting too!
*knock, knock*
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Saran! Listen to me now... We must stick together. We can't lose each other now. Saran? Please come to talk with us...
- Saran? ...Ok then... We'll be in the livingroom in case you need us...
How can he be so calm? How come the twins aren't crying themselves to sleep every night? How come I have never seen a single tear in Dad's eyes since the funeral? I wish I could cry some more. But there seems to be a certain amount of tears to shed for each person we cross paths with... and I have shed mine for Mom.
I wish... I wish I was a bird. I could fly away from all this. I would fly to a blissful land of Oblivion. To forget everything.
"It's 4:30 A.M. on a Tuesday. It doesn't get much worse than this. In beds in little rooms in buildings in the middle of these lives which are completely meaningless..."
Another sleepless night. I'm just going to sit here. Trying not to close my eyes as I don't want to see. I don't want to repeat it all. I can't face it again. I'm going to wait. Wait until somebody wakes me up from this dream. This hideous nightmare they call life.
"Help me stay awake, I'm falling..."
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Last edited by Nakanaka at 9-10-2008 00:59 ]
